Orko The Orkarian
by
ShameGravy
by
ShameGravy
Orko was not native to the realm of Eternia. He was inadvertently sucked into that world through the agency of the De-matti Planar Gate. For years Orko wandered the forests and hills of Eternia subsisting on berries, fish and the occasional jackrabbit that happened to dance across his path. Orko was eventually found by Prince Adam who took pity on this extra-dimensional refugee, and being the pompous royal dick he is, extended an offer for Orko to serve as court magician.
The Orkarians are natural magic-users. Analysis of Orkarian blood by Eternian alchemists reveals that it is nearly indistinguishable from Bone Dragon blood (the most mystically attuned creatures in all the thirty folds of existence.) While all Orkarians are capable of astonishing feats of mystical skill, something must have "gone wrong" when Orko was sucked through the De-matti Planar Gate for upon arriving in Eternia he found that his spells often misfired or wouldn't work at all (a similar condition befell the human wizard Presto on Fold 12 although there is some debate as to whether the unpredictable nature of Presto's spells was because he was an entity trying to wield magic who came from a non-magic fold or whether it was due more to Dungeon Master being an egregiously twisted motherfucker that gave him a bum hat.)
Orko, his faith in his magical abilities at an all time low, agreed to Prince Adam's insulting offer and resigned himself to juggling rubber balls for the fat and spoiled children of nobility.
Adding to Orko's sorrows is the fact that he is fucking ugly. Underneath the scarf that shields his face from all eyes exists a countenance so pornographically extreme that it should qualify as a Weapon Of Mass Annihilation as described under Eternia's Banned Weapons Treaty of Fire Star Year 78234. Those that have glimpsed the true face of Orko (before collapsing into coma) describe it as "an exploded vagina filled with rice...and eyes...the eyes!" Human screenwriter Diablo Cody once dreamt of Orko's visage in a True Dream and described it later as "lasagna...with teeth."
In Fire Star Year 89765 Orko drifted into alcoholism.
In Fire Star Year 89766 Orko, after an all-night bender with the mustachioed Man At Arms, decided it would be "pretty fucking funny" to kidnap Moss Man and light him on fire.
At the subsequent murder trial, Orko elected to defend himself. His defense consisted solely of this sentence repeatedly slurred again and again, "Mosss Man was fffucking ridiculous and he deshherved to die."
The jury agreed with Orko's assessment and he was acquitted of all wrongdoing.
Many celebrated.
Orko did not.
He wanted to die.
He had seen too far much of this world that was not his own. Hope was a foreign currency to one not born in Eternia. "Why dare to dream," he would think when alone, "when it is so much easier to stoop to death?"
In Fire Star Year 89768 Orko reached Orkarian puberty. Having the face of an exploded vagina proved a stumbling block in his attempts to court the fairer sex. Because of this Orko was referred to in joking whispers as "Eternia's Greatest Masturbator." Orko, if he had ever heard those whispers, would not disagree.
In Fire Star Year 89770 Prince Adam petitioned Orko's help in defeating the invading hordes of cackling, psycopathic burn victim Alvis Edward Skeletor. Orko's response to Prince Adam was a jet of Orkarian semen into his face followed by a hoarse cry of, "Go fuck yourself, dutchboy!"
In Fire Star Year 89973 Orko began pissing blood.
Ugly as sin, increasingly impotent, and profoundly dissatisfied with the shit-pie life has served him, Orko The Orkarian wrapped himself in bacon and fed himself to Battle Cat in Fire Star Year 89974.
Who grieves for Orko the Orkarian; Buried in a cheap dung pile under the name "Orkarian?"
Nobody.
The Orkarians are natural magic-users. Analysis of Orkarian blood by Eternian alchemists reveals that it is nearly indistinguishable from Bone Dragon blood (the most mystically attuned creatures in all the thirty folds of existence.) While all Orkarians are capable of astonishing feats of mystical skill, something must have "gone wrong" when Orko was sucked through the De-matti Planar Gate for upon arriving in Eternia he found that his spells often misfired or wouldn't work at all (a similar condition befell the human wizard Presto on Fold 12 although there is some debate as to whether the unpredictable nature of Presto's spells was because he was an entity trying to wield magic who came from a non-magic fold or whether it was due more to Dungeon Master being an egregiously twisted motherfucker that gave him a bum hat.)
Orko, his faith in his magical abilities at an all time low, agreed to Prince Adam's insulting offer and resigned himself to juggling rubber balls for the fat and spoiled children of nobility.
Adding to Orko's sorrows is the fact that he is fucking ugly. Underneath the scarf that shields his face from all eyes exists a countenance so pornographically extreme that it should qualify as a Weapon Of Mass Annihilation as described under Eternia's Banned Weapons Treaty of Fire Star Year 78234. Those that have glimpsed the true face of Orko (before collapsing into coma) describe it as "an exploded vagina filled with rice...and eyes...the eyes!" Human screenwriter Diablo Cody once dreamt of Orko's visage in a True Dream and described it later as "lasagna...with teeth."
In Fire Star Year 89765 Orko drifted into alcoholism.
In Fire Star Year 89766 Orko, after an all-night bender with the mustachioed Man At Arms, decided it would be "pretty fucking funny" to kidnap Moss Man and light him on fire.
At the subsequent murder trial, Orko elected to defend himself. His defense consisted solely of this sentence repeatedly slurred again and again, "Mosss Man was fffucking ridiculous and he deshherved to die."
The jury agreed with Orko's assessment and he was acquitted of all wrongdoing.
Many celebrated.
Orko did not.
He wanted to die.
He had seen too far much of this world that was not his own. Hope was a foreign currency to one not born in Eternia. "Why dare to dream," he would think when alone, "when it is so much easier to stoop to death?"
In Fire Star Year 89768 Orko reached Orkarian puberty. Having the face of an exploded vagina proved a stumbling block in his attempts to court the fairer sex. Because of this Orko was referred to in joking whispers as "Eternia's Greatest Masturbator." Orko, if he had ever heard those whispers, would not disagree.
In Fire Star Year 89770 Prince Adam petitioned Orko's help in defeating the invading hordes of cackling, psycopathic burn victim Alvis Edward Skeletor. Orko's response to Prince Adam was a jet of Orkarian semen into his face followed by a hoarse cry of, "Go fuck yourself, dutchboy!"
In Fire Star Year 89973 Orko began pissing blood.
Ugly as sin, increasingly impotent, and profoundly dissatisfied with the shit-pie life has served him, Orko The Orkarian wrapped himself in bacon and fed himself to Battle Cat in Fire Star Year 89974.
Who grieves for Orko the Orkarian; Buried in a cheap dung pile under the name "Orkarian?"
Nobody.
(originally published on the Ween Forum before the great data loss of 2004.)
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